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When Allen started fiddling with his bags, Lavi figured it was safe to look again. He knew it was ridiculous to be so shy after what they’d just done, but he couldn’t help it. He sat back on the train bench, the hard cushions still warm from their combined body heat. His eye glanced out the window, taking in their surroundings. It wouldn’t be long now before they reached their stop, then it was just a short walk back to the Black Order.

It was too quiet in the train car. Lavi couldn’t think of anything to say, instead just watching Allen as he gathered his bags. The redhead’s fingers itched to touch Allen, but instead, he just shoved his hands in his pockets. They needed to talk about this – what had just happened between them – but Lavi was barely sure what the whole thing meant. He wasn’t able to articulate his feelings yet. For the moment, he’d have to deal with the silence, and ruminate over what he needed to do –

Especially now that he was certain he had feelings for Allen Walker.

Allen finished gathering his belongings together fairly quickly, and didn’t have any other ideas on how to look busy. He sat down on the opposite bench, the same way they had been sitting before while playing their game, and pretended to watch the scenery fly by as the train approached their stop.

He peeked again at Lavi, and was surprised to find Lavi watching him back. There was something about the way that Lavi was looking at him… Allen wanted to turn away from that gaze, wanted to break the awkward silence. But something in the way Lavi was looking at him made him blush, but he also felt so… safe.

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Allen hastily redressed himself, wrinkling his nose when he realized he was going to smell weird when he got back to the Order. Hopefully no one would notice, it wasn’t at all unusual for Exorcists to return badly in need of a bath…

The landscape outside looked familiar, and he could see the tall tower of the Order in the distance, indicating they were nearly to their stop. He busied himself with making sure his belongings were all in order, sneaking peeks at Lavi from under his bangs every so often.

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Allen melted into the kiss, and by the time Lavi pulled away, he felt much calmer. Lavi wouldn’t kiss me like that if this meant nothing, right? As Lavi brushed away his tears, not seeming to have any aversion to touching his scar, Allen was able to return Lavi’s smile.

Allen noted that Lavi’s voice sounded odd, but he didn’t try to pry into why; he figured Lavi probably had his own feelings to work out, just as Allen did.

“Oh no, when is our stop?” Allen asked, starting to rise but pausing as he noticed liquid on his stomach begin to drip to the floor.

“Uh…” he blushed as he tried to think of how to deal with getting cleaned up and dressed in time for their stop. He didn’t want to have to put his clothes on and get this all over them.

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Allen shook his head, closing his eyes as his hand was pulled away. He felt awful for worrying Lavi, and a part of him felt selfish for breaking down like this in his presence. This couldn’t wait until I was alone…?

“No, it didn’t hurt. I’m just…” He didn’t know how to explain, not without telling Lavi what he was actually crying about. And he couldn’t do that, he couldn’t make Lavi feel obligated to be in some sort of relationship with him. 

He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself enough to at least pretend he was fine.

“Im sorry… I don’t know what came over me.” he said, “I just felt a little emotional, I guess.” He forced out a laugh, hoping to lighten the mood.

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Allen felt Lavi start to move, and didn’t have enough time to wipe his tears away before Lavi noticed. He covered his eyes with a hand, trying to calm himself down enough to regain control.

“I’m f-fine.” he said, and realized that his voice sounded anything but. “I… I’m just…” he couldn’t think of a good excuse, not with his emotions making his chest burn, making it hard to breath.

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Allen nodded, letting out the breath he hadn’t even been aware he was holding. He knew that they needed to talk about what happened… what it meant, where they go from there… but for now he was content to just lay here under Lavi. He felt wanted, he felt so safe here, and he found himself pulling Lavi even closer.

He had told himself that he would be okay if Lavi turned away after this and tried to act like nothing happened. But now… he could certainly hide his feelings if Lavi wanted to brush this off, he could bury them so Lavi would never know how much it hurt. He knew it would hurt… He wondered when his feelings for Lavi had grown to this point, it certainly was not just because of the sex. He had honestly been all too willing to kiss Lavi… Now that he knew, he realized that he had loved Lavi for a while, even before he had thought Lavi died in the Ark. 

But Lavi couldn’t possibly feel the same… Allen couldn’t imagine how Lavi would be in love with him.

He didn’t realize he was crying until he felt tears wetting his cheeks. He tried to be discreet about turning his head away to wipe the tears away before Lavi noticed. Stupid, stupid. He cursed at himself as he tried to regain control of himself, he hadn’t even realized that he had let his guard down.

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As the silence stretched on, Allen started getting nervous. He did tell Lavi that he wouldn’t regret what happened if Lavi walked away afterwards, but he would still hurt. Lavi had never been too forthcoming about what being a Bookman really meant, but from their battle with Road on the Ark, Allen had gotten the impression that Bookmen weren’t allowed to care about others. And if Lavi would just brush this off as a one-time deal and walk away afterwards… He had been rejected by others thousands of times, he was good at pretending it didn’t bother him anymore. But if Lavi rejected him, after all they’ve been through, and after what just happened… Allen knew it would hurt.

“…Lavi?” Allen asked in a whisper, hoping that he was just being silly, hoping that the silence was merely due to exhaustion.