the sorcerer’s stone: dudley asking harry if he wants to practice sticking his head down the toilet and harry replying “no thanks, the poor toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it – it might be sick” like ooo!!! sick burn!!! good for an 11 year old but overall still in the developmental stage. 6/10
the chamber of secrets: dudley (once again lmao get rekt) telling harry “i know what day it is” and harry replying “well done, so you’ve finally learned the days of the week.” lockhart trying to be all Amazing Teacher™ and shit and telling harry “just do what i did, harry!” and harry saying “what, drop my wand?” overall good but not with as much of an Oomph™ factor as the sorcerer’s stone. 5/10
the prisoner of azkaban: ah yes!!! Harry’s Sass™ in its adolescent years!!!! no longer a toddler, now solidly about 11 years old. draco making fun of harry for fainting at the quidditch game bc of the dementors and saying “shame [the broom] doesn’t come with a parachute – in case you get too near a dementor.” and harry replying “pity you can’t attach an extra arm to yours, malfoy. then it could catch the snitch for you.” 8/10 purely because he fucking MURDERED whiny bitch ass baby malfoy ha ha take that
the goblet of fire: a good amount of sass!! a healthy amount of sass! perhaps a bit held back though (come on harry get it together). rita skeeter annoying harry and asking for a word and jk rowling LITERALLY writing “‘yeah, you can have a word,’ said harry savagely. ‘good-bye'” like FUCK he is canon savage in this book!!!! DAMN!!!!! and then he reks malfoy AGAIN “you know that expression [your mother’s got], like she’s got dung under her nose? has she always looked like that, or was it just because you were with her?” MOTHERFUCK GO OFF 9/10
the order of the phoenix: HOLY GRAIL OF HARRY’S SASS™. THE MOTHERLOAD. GOD DAMN. when vernon asks him why he’s listening to the news again and harry replies w/ “well, it changes every day, you see.” when hermione’s warning him about picking fights w/ malfoy bc malfoy will make life hard for him and harry’s like “wow, i wonder what it’d be like to have a difficult life” like fuck harry!!! tell us how u really feel!!!! literally ANY TIME he talks to an adult he doesn’t like. sassing dudley left & right, putting him in his place w/ “this is night, diddykins. that’s what we call it when it goes all dark like this” like fuck harry brought out the big guns w/ “diddykins”. overall wonderful, truly. a good healthy teenage dose of sass. 100/10
the half blood prince: SHIT DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT “THERE’S NO NEED TO CALL ME SIR, PROFESSOR” LIKE FUCK. BEST PART OF THE WHOLE BOOK. OF THE WHOLE SERIES. FUCKING OWNED SNAPE HE’S FUCKIN REKT LYING ON THE FLOOR CRYING DRINKING SOME CHEAP ASS DISGUSTING ASS FIREWHISKEY. BREAKS THE GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING SCALE SO FAR OFF THE SCALE IT’S ON MARS. INFINITY/10. FUCK.
the deathly hallows: “it’s time you learned some respect!” “it’s time you earned it” sassing the minister of magic hooooooo boy. not much else bc harry’s too busy like saving the world and shit. so extra points for multitasking and being an overall well rounded sass-er. 8/10
i’m just sitting here dying of laughter thinking about McGonagall looking over Harry in first year like yeah the kid gets into some dangerous shenanigans but it always seems to be for a greater purpose and his heart’s in the right place and he’s so sweet and quiet usually, clearly he takes after his mother Lily thank goodness this is good this boy is good
and then dead ass one year later kid shows up to school crashing into a tree with his bestie in a flying car instead of just owling the damn school that they’d missed the train and she’s just like DING DONG I WAS WRONG
In the 2014 additions to the UK Potter books, Rowling says part of the process to become an Animagus is to hold the leaf of a Mandrake in your mouth for a whole month.
Can you imagine. These boys in Minerva McGonagall’s classes for that month, hoping she doesn’t notice.
now that you pointed that out i’m 100% sure minerva knew about that
ok imagine all the marauders pretending to take a vow of silence for a month to keep that up. Like wearing chalkboards around their necks and writing out anything they have to say around teachers and coming up with another ridiculous reason every time someone asks why they’re taking a vow of silence like. We’re protesting the traditional student/teacher constructs and the unreasonable verbal requirements of school. We’re raising awareness of how funny we are and how much your lives are worse without our beautiful voices telling jokes. We’re in a very intense round of the Silent Game and we’re all here to WIN.
bonus points if part of deflecting suspicion is keeping up the silent act for multiple months. The mandrake thing is done, they don’t even need to annoy everyone with their ploy anymore, but God damn if they aren’t going to flog the chance to play charades HORRIBLY for all it’s worth.
A Hufflepuff that didn’t want to be sorted into Hufflepuff crying on their first night and then being joined by some older Hufflepuffs who bring hot chocolate and other food from the kitchen to make them feel better, then listening to why the 1st year is so upset, and sharing their own stories to make them feel included and at home.
A terrified first year being sorted into Slytherin and fearing having to write home and explain how they got put in the ‘bad’ house, then being joined by some older Slytherins who show them a part of the common room where you can look out into the lake and occasionally see some of the creatures that live in there – ‘was that the squid?!’ – and forgetting why they were afraid in the first place because these people are actually really nice.
support systems within the houses for 11 year olds who don’t understand why they were placed in a certain house!!!!!
A first year being sorted into Gryffindor and panicking because they really don’t think they’re brave because they’re afraid of so many things and they’ve got some strong irrational phobias. Older Gryffindors finding out that this one first year is seriously frightened and asking them about the different things they’re afraid of. When one particular fear that the first year has encountered quite a lot is mentioned, one of the older Gryffindors points out that they must be brave since they’ve faced their fear so often! They all then sit in a group in the common room, telling stories about when they were scared out of their wits and had to do something ‘brave’ even though at the time it didn’t feel brave, it just felt like survival.
A first year being sorted into Ravenclaw and, when reaching the Tower and discovering that they have to solve a riddle each time to gain access, almost having a meltdown because they already had serious doubts about being smart enough to be a Ravenclaw, and now they’re afraid of everyone finding out and laughing at them. An older Ravenclaw noticing the first year’s shallow breathing and quietly saying, ‘being clever isn’t what’s important, it’s the desire to learn. That’s why if you can’t work out the riddle, you wait for someone else who can work it out. So we can share the knowledge.’ The first year being a bit doubtful, but then watching in surprise as the Prefect at the front of the group goes, ‘huh, I actually have no clue on this one’ and turns around to everyone else to ask ‘anyone?’.
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