Drunk/Drinking Starters

❝I do not get drunk– I get awesome.❞
❝I didn’t fall… the floor just needed a hug. ❞
❝Wanna know what rhymes with drunk? Sex. ❞
❝Nothing tastes as good as drunk feels.❞
❝I’ve had… eleventy twelve beers.❞
❝I’ve been cheating on you with a guy named Morgan. He’s a captain.❞
❝I’m not as drunk as I use to was.❞
❝Halloween? More like Hallowe-’re getting fucked up.❞
❝What do you expect me to do- I’m drunk!❞
❝But then I remember that alcohol existed.❞
❝It’s not called slurring your words. It’s called talking in cursive and it’s fucking elegant.❞
❝I’m totally walking straight, but this damn Earth is drunk!❞
❝If you can’t suck a cigarette, you sure as hell can’t suck a dick!❞
❝I wanna bae you up.❞
❝You’re so drunk when I’m pretty.❞
❝It’s 10;30 and I’m already fucking wasted…❞
❝I’m almost sober…❞
❝We are best friends now. Yeah c’mere, let’s get drunk again.❞
❝Why do people wear boxers? They’re just like small pants.❞
❝I am currently dating a tall bottle of Jack Daniels.❞
❝I’m in Pirates of the Caribbean right now..❞
❝Take me drunk I’m home.❞
❝Let’s go dress up like Batman and Robin and patrol the neighborhood.❞
❝Your kitchen is so far away. Who designed this shit?❞
❝Your cat… has it always had a German accent?❞